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A recent Penn State study found that kids who experienced regular humor during their upbringing were more likely to describe their relationship with their parents positively. Plus, humor has been proven to reduce stress and foster resilience, creativity, and even problem-solving skills.

Today, we're chatting with Tessa West, a leading expert in the science of interpersonal communication, about her new book: Job Therapy.

All this, and more, in just 5 minutes to read.

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Trivia

Job Therapy With Tessa West

Michael works at his corporate job for two or three years, then starts to feel a familiar itch. He’d scroll through LinkedIn, seeing former classmates and peers announcing exciting new roles, work trips abroad, and promotions. Meanwhile, he finds himself zoning out during team meetings, daydreaming about other careers and workplaces. Is it time for a change? Or is this just a normal phase of career ambivalence?

Dr. Tessa West, a psychology professor at NYU and workplace dynamics expert, says this experience is far more common than many realize. "I began to see a funny overlap between how people talked about their relationship partners and careers," West says. "People talk about jobs like they do romantic partners."

After 16 years of teaching undergrads and conducting workplace research, West noticed a pattern: Professionals might project success and satisfaction on LinkedIn, but privately, many grapple with career uncertainty, boredom, anxiety, and existential angst. Her findings suggest that these feelings, rather than being cause for alarm, are often a normal part of professional growth — and may even signal an opportunity for positive change.

In her new book, Job Therapy, West offers insights on navigating career crossroads, from dealing with overchoice in a world of endless options to having honest conversations with bosses to collecting personal data to make better decisions. Whether you're a recent graduate or a seasoned professional, her research offers a fresh perspective on finding fulfillment in your work life. Because let’s face it: Many of us spend more time with our colleagues than with our family and friends. 

This interview with Dr. West has been edited lightly for brevity and clarity.

You’ve said that you're in good company if you're feeling disappointed, bored, or anxious about your career. Sometimes, it’s OK to be unsure about what you’re doing or where you’re going. When did you come to that realization?

Before I started the surveys, I spoke with hiring managers and recruiters, and they told me about a sense of misery in the air. They said people might flex about their careers and jobs on LinkedIn, with all kinds of posts and photos, but that’s just social media. Privately, though, people are pretty miserable. Then, I began to see the same pattern with my empirical data — a sense that people are unhappy. 

Perhaps part of the challenge: There are so many opportunities out there, and it can be overwhelming to choose one thing!

Yes. We have to be strategic. There’s a time element, right? We don’t live forever. There’s some angst. There’s overchoice. There are always other things to pursue. We’re also super distracted all the time, and we’re chasing shiny objects. Then there’s the social comparison where we see other people who seem to have found something better, which creates a terrible psychological combination of factors that makes us feel like we’re not doing the right thing. 

How do you see the tension of people trying to balance pursuing their passions with going for a simpler, “safer” career?

I don’t think you should ever follow what you think your income will be. Some of our PhD students were offered jobs at Google or Facebook and made $200,000, but some were laid off five months later. There’s an illusion that you must have the money or follow your heart, and that you can’t have both.

But it might turn out that the money career is not rewarding financially, and the follow-your-heart career can turn into the money route anyway. They’re not mutually exclusive.  You have to be honest about what kind of income you need, what’s stable enough to give yourself some freedom, and what’s less stressful so you can follow your heart. 

How often do you have existential periods where it feels like you aren’t sure you’ve made the right career choices?

All the time. And I have a completely healthy, secure attachment style to my career. One reason I started writing books is because I felt unfulfilled in the pure academic path. I was doing research, I had tenure, I was doing well, but it was like, what’s next? I’ve checked all these boxes. I love research and continue doing that, but I felt I could do more. I wanted to talk to new people. 

But I have these existential moments all the time. It’s OK, and it’s normal. 

How do you suggest someone begin the baby steps needed to make a big career change?

The best thing you can do is talk to strangers who are not in your network and ask them to finish this sentence about their job/industry for you: Nobody told me that…

The first thing to do is just gather information. Seek out connections and conversations where you aren’t talking about yourself; you’re just getting people to talk about themselves, their roles, and the industry. Just ask great questions and listen. Don’t worry about talking about your experiences. That is your first step: Learn about people's lives and jobs. 

In what ways has your research surprised you?

I think people often do not act on behalf of their real emotions. I have a Ted Talk on why being too nice at work is a problem. If you didn’t get a promotion when you thought you would, you just have to have honest conversations with your boss about why. You need to be able to ask, why didn’t I get that raise? But people would rather play detective, talk to 14 people about it, or make up stories rather than just ask their boss directly. 

It’s been a shock to me that people cannot ask hard questions. It might take 30 seconds to clarify something they’ve spent 10 hours trying to play detective on. 

How do we find what we truly want from our jobs and careers? Is it about connecting with childhood interests or something else?

Many workers don't know why we're miserable. You can come up with many complaints about a job, but who knows if those are right. My book has little quizzes because you can’t do the deep work just by reading books. You have to engage with your own data, collect data on yourself, and score it. So, each chapter of this book starts with a quiz.

I’m not a fan of telling people to just think about what they used to love. For many of us, our intuitions are wrong about what we like and what we don’t. We don’t always truly know what stresses us out and what doesn’t. 

You can only learn those things by collecting data on yourself, scoring it, and looking at your own patterns. Don’t trust your memories, don't trust your judgments. My goal is to help people collect data on themselves and be their psychologists in a way that is different from just making big career decisions based on judgments and memories.

When looking for a new job: Rather than applying all over, you’ve said it’s best to be much more selective, right?

Every industry is different, but you want to apply to jobs to which you’ve tailored your materials. You also need to contact the hiring manager to have a conversation. People often don’t do that. 

So much is unknown when we change jobs or careers. Before we accept a job offer, how can we know if our future colleagues will be good to work with?

No one really asks to talk to employees during interviews. Ask to meet with current members of the team that you’ll be working with. People fear asking anything that looks pushy during the interview stage. I’d recommend asking later in the interview process. 

It’s also worth trying to track down people who used to work there. If you don’t hear back from them, crickets are often a sign that there’s something weird going on in this workplace. No news tends to be bad news. It never hurts to ask to talk to people. A really good organization will offer that up. You need people to tell you what it’s like. That’s important. 

How do you suggest workers navigate fears around making big career shifts?

I'm a big fan of starting to develop other career identities while you're still employed. You can live in both worlds. You can date other careers while you’re still employed. You can explore, develop other skills, network, and see what other careers are like before making a big switch. One reason it’s scary to make a big change is because it's just too much of a black box on the other side; there's so much uncertainty.

Before making big decisions, do the work. Be pretty sure you know what your next career will look like before you exit your old one. Tension is good for you here. You should feel uncomfortable that you are exploring a new career. It will force you to think through what you love about this job and what you hate about it. 

One main thing people underestimate is comfort. You don’t realize how comfortable that old job is—everything from how you liked the office to the sandwich place nearby. 

What are your thoughts on how we might want to think about balance, specifically: Grinding and advancing vs. enjoying ourselves at work, without thinking about constant advancement and progress?

Social comparison is dangerous, and it creates incentive structures that aren't real. Ask yourself: Am I trying to get promoted because everyone around me is getting promoted or because I truly want it? Not everyone wants a raise or promotion or more responsibility. You don’t always have to be getting ahead and striving. 

Sometimes, I take my foot off the gas and coast for several months. Sometimes, you need to push it. Sometimes, you just need to take a break. 

I have many jobs: I’m an author, speaker, and the associate chair of the psychology department at NYU. I’m running around doing many things, but I’m not doing that much today. And leaders out there need to tell people it’s OK to not always be hustling. 

What are signs that indicate one should make a big change?

Early signs tend to be ambivalence. Some people look for the wrong signs, such as disengagement or burnout. But for most people, ambivalence is a red flag. There might not be a magical light switch that will go off in your head, telling you it’s time to leave. But if you have a lot of ups and downs and ambivalence, that’s a clue you should at least start thinking about or exploring something new.

You’ve said the experience in our résumés should talk to one another. What do you mean?

It's about crafting a better story. Let’s say you had five roles at work. We tend to think of them as separate roles, but there’s often overlap in the skills required to do the jobs. So, you can say there’s overlap in skills, overlap in people/colleagues, and overlap in responsibilities. Say how you took data or skills from one role to inform how you led new training procedures at your next job. 

Often, people want to show that they’re really busy and productive, so they silo off their jobs. But what bosses want to do is talk about how the roles are integrated because they want people who exercise restraint and don't take on too much. Plus, role overlap is a real strength. 

Don't feel it will make you look like you're doing less. It will make you look good at your job because you can integrate things you can expand on in the cover letter. Give yourself a résumé goal: At least two roles should talk to each other. 

Any parting advice for recent graduates?

Many recent graduates have yet to decide what they want to do, and they just apply to 600 places, hoping for the best. One recent PhD student applied to 60 jobs a week rather than conversing with people and figuring out exactly what she wanted. 

Recent grads are very hungry and eager to get placed, and they see their friends getting placed,  so they're the ones who are the most susceptible to the easy apply button, submitting their résumé everywhere. But they need to learn how to take what they did in college and make that sound like a skill that the workplace cares about. They might list their GPA and high school jobs, but that’s generic. 

Here's the thing: Almost everyone has some awesome sellable skills. They just don't know what is special about them. The first thing to do is find that. 

Is there anything you’d like to add?

It’s so important to have really honest interviews. Ask a lot of questions. People fear tension in interviews, but the tension is important for discovering new things. Employers or interviewers like it when people push them. They don’t need to be smiled at the whole time. 

Dive deeper

For more, visit Tessa’s website, buy her book, or listen to her Ted Talk.

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